Alaska: The OTHER Last Frontier

It's fitting that the drinking gourd is prominently displayed on the flag of a state with twice the average rate of alcohol abuse. But this flag is about more than just drinking away the months of darkness, creating a ghastly yellow cirrhosis induced hue that shimmers off the sickly, frozen, fluorescent lighting.

Alaska, as their own Governor Sarah Palin has recently admitted, is right next doors to Russia. Could it be a coincidence that the big dipper looks an awful lot like a sickle? Would it be heretical to see these eight perfectly aligned stars and be reminded of the totalitarian USSR? The uniformity of these seemingly disparate astral bodies reeks of nationalist reform, and what else would you expect from a state that’s basically Canada?

It's not just rampant Pink Eye that pisses me off about this flag. The most egregious fault I find in this flag is its lack of specificity. If not for this flag, no one in the world would associate the Big Dipper with Alaska. And why should they? The constellation can be seen from almost everywhere in the northern hemisphere. Furthermore, America, Alaska included, has arguably the weakest name for this constellation. How could we compete with “The Starry Plough” or “The Butcher’s Cleaver?”

So why does Alaska have any particular claim to it? I highly doubt that Alaska played any significant part in the Underground Railroad, since the percentage of Alaskans who are black is a whopping 3.7 percent. So what makes anyone look at this flag and think, “ALASKA?” As much as I may loath states that use the standard (non-magikal) seal as a flag, at least they’re identifiable. The only thing that links this flag to Alaska is it’s arbitrary history of being “the state with Ursa Major as its flag.”

NAVA loves this piece of crap. They can't get enough of its simple and unique design. When I look at this flag I feel that Alaskans are demeaning and using a beautiful and communally valued natural wonder for their own, selfish ends. You know what? Never mind. That sounds exactly like Alaska to me.