Borderclash

While walking through Red Square on January 8th, I was struck by something. No, it wasn’t a rock launched by a Palestinian MLB prospect/protestor. Nor was it an Israeli missile aimed at the terrorist no doubt hidden inside my large intestine, using advanced and devious civilian endangering technology. While pretending not to recognize any of my ardently pro-Israel friends, I realized how great the flags of both these “nations” are. As the resident vexillological expert on campus, I began to wonder whether or not this was representative of a greater trend. Do contended borders correlate with better flags? The hypothesis is that a state under great existential threat would be more concerned with national identity, group formation and civic pride. Also, colors. So for our first episode of Battleground Bannerz!, please join me in unpacking the symbolism of the Israeli flag.

Israel’s flag is a piece of beauty. In order to understand the true symbolism of the Israeli flag, I’m going to have to delve into a little bit more of the Jewish traditions. The Israeli flag is at heart a Jewish mandala. In the kabbalic tradition, this flag can be unpacked according to mythic and mysterious practices that our leader proscribes. If I told you how it worked, I’d have to convert you. Although conversion to Judaism is similar to vampiric conversions (eternal life, pasty skin, a proclivity to emit hissing noises, peculiar sleeping patterns, allergies to Christian relics) the main difference is that Jewish conversions are extremely rare. The reason for this is that there are only three members of the Talmudic Council of Conversions and Sports Representation who are able to perform the last rite of passage. Thus, rather than risk incurring their wrath, I’ll leave you with this tantalizing clue to decoding the true meaning of our flag: If you’ve counted 27, you’ve counted too many.
There are many other superstitions about the Jewish flag that gentiles often spread. To help clear up the symbolism of the flag, I’ll try to clear some of them up.

1: The six pointed star represents the clandestine Jewish society comprised of accountants, lawyers, hip-hop entrepreneurs, Hollywood executives, diamond cutters and good, friendly doctors that secretly run the world.

This is true.

2: The six pointed star represents the hereditary ability to unfurl our uniquely circumcised penises during the course of sex.

Of course this is true.

3: The blue stripes represent the walls (visible and not) that prevent aide, economy, water or happiness to enter the Gaza Strip and the West Bank.

Duh.

4: The white background represents the pasty skin color most often associated with Jewish men.

This is resoundingly false. The white background represents the petals from the rare Joshua Tree Rose, a delicacy among northern Hollywood elites and U2 fans.

5: The blue hue represents the color used for tallits and other traditional clothing.

You WISH that was the case.


At the most basic level, the flag is easily recognizable amongst the wash of Pan-Arab flags found in the region.

Not that Israel doesn’t stand out enough, but hey, lest anyone get confused, Israel’s the one without a green/red/black flag. The Magen David at the center was once the crest on David’s shield, which was really unnecessary because David was in fact 7 foot 10 and made out of bullet spitting piranhas with judgmental tones. And immortal. But it now serves as a symbol for Judaism around the world, as well as the centerpiece of this incredible flag. To summarize, the Israeli flag has…
1: Fantastic compositional elements of clarity and succinct, meaningful symbolism.
2: A great color scheme.
3: A hidden message for Jewish Eyes Only regarding the next ordered financial crises.