Declaration of Manifesto

We here at State Flag Power Rankings hoist this warning to our accursed nemeses at NAVA: Your days are numbered.

No longer will the vested power in the vexillological societies of America salute to drab, regurgitated ideas of design. The very notion that flag rating can be summarized in their “five easy steps” reduces what is essentially a complex, introspective reflection into a hackneyed seen on T.V. gimmick being hocked by a punk thirty something with bleached hair.

Flags are intrinsic to nation formation, and judging a flag from the dispassionate position of grand arbiter removes it from relevant context. In order to assay a flag, you must get to know the group it represents. Texas’ flag is a kitschy piece of Americana, condensed into a gooey, saccharine, Karo syrup that gags you with patriotic jingoism. Which is to say, Texas’ flag is not only easily identifiable, but also emblematic of the group it represents. Form follows function.

It is with this respect for contextualized analysis that we declare ourselves independent of NAVA. Our splinter group will have a significantly cooler acronym. We’re considering…

The Association for Leadership In Vexillological Excellence: ALIVE

American Flags In Ranked Excellence: AFIRE

Systematically Taxonomizing American Flag Formats: STAFF

Vexillological Inquiries Regarding American Likings: VIRAL

But are leaning towards…

The League of Amazing Vexillological Assayers: LAVA

The LAVA manifesto:

1: The North American Vexillological Association has done a great disservice to the American people, decontextualizing flags and imposing rigid values.

2: LAVA is equipped to usurp the power from the vested establishment of yesterday’s croneyist vexillological politics, and return it to the people.

3: LAVA will, instead of returning said power to the people LITERALLY, just assume that the people would rather we’d hold onto it for now.

4: With said power, LAVA will create a NEW old-boy system of flag rankings, complete with cocaine-laden kickbacks for high-ranking officials.

With this in mind, I will attempt to bring to you a rich analysis of each state’s flag, complete with insight into the state it represents. Over the next few weeks follow me on my journey across this variegated land of disparate, warring feudal states united under one giant flag.

I’m honored to join Ben on this mission, and hope that we can put our past differences aside as we attempt to destroy the established mechanisms of flag rating.

Georgia on my mind

It has been brought to my attention by one Minsoo Kim that Georgia's ranking by bitch-ass NAVA is waaaay off. Georgia came in last in NAVA's survey, and received scathing criticism:

One flag drew far more attention than all others did. NAVA members and the public both gave the new Georgia flag the lowest score—2.4 points—by the largest margin of any flag. Some even asked to give it negative points. They disparaged Georgia’s flag as "a scalawag", "desolating", "simply awful", "hideous", and "by far the ugliest". Its complex design violates all the principles of good flag design, incorporating a seal, lettering, and a series of miniature historic flags (in incorrect order). One person derided it as "Five Flags Under Georgia".

Sure the "new Georgia flag" sucked. Unfortunately for NAVA's rankings, there's a new "new Georgia flag" in town, and it's fairly passable. Check the comparison below, with the much maligned five flag design on the left, and the current flag of Georgia on the right. It's not a great flag by any stretch of the imagination, but it mitigates the damage the state seal does by putting it in a corner and incorporating it into a tried-and-true, red-white-and-blue color scheme, rather than the center of the flag. NAVA's ranks are out of date, and it's up to us here at State Flag Power Rankings (readers included!) to set the record straight.








Down below are two further examples of the terrible effect achieved with central-state-seal (or CSS) Kansas and Montana. Worthless stuff guys. What's with the state names in print on the flag? Are you afraid your residents will forget where they live? I suppose that's a legitimate concern in Kansas, but come on Montana! You're beautiful and you know it! I want to see a big blue sky, and some towering peaks, but what do we get? A little yellow break in the clouds, and some little beige hills. The Big Sky State needs a better flag, and State Flag Power Rankings is calling you out on it. Kansas, you're on watch too, though frankly I don't give a shit what goes on in Kansas, other than the Old Canes. Sorry.

Also, despite my previous tirade against it, Maryland's flag is starting to take over my brain. I can't get it out of my head. The world's first State Flags Follower, Zack Gussin, described its insidious effects well, opining that it becomes "more and more boss the more I think about it." You're right about Maryland's flag being boss Zack, but it still doesn't beat Arizona.

Damn you, Maryland! You put a spell on me!

Arizona

My first big problem with NAVA's ranks is their snubbing of Arizona. You can't put Arizona's incredible flag behind mediocrities like Alaska and Maryland. Quebec's flag is pretty classy, but it's Canadian. Does ESPN include CFL teams in its NFL Power Rankings? No, though perhaps they should. Analysis of the CFL will be forthcoming from State Flag Power Rankings, but today is not the day for it. Now let's take look at these flags!

Stupid, childish NAVA's #6: Arizona

Arizona's flag is, in the words of Ben Coppersmith (fruit of the loins of former Arizona Congressman Sam Coppersmith!), "full of hope." It's a beautiful flag, reminiscent of a desert sunset. The colors are simple, the design is distinctive but deliberate, the symmetry perfect. The only real criticism that can be levelled at the flag is its similarity to Kamakaze designs; this criticism has little to do with the associations between Kamakazes and the terrible acts war can drive us to perform, and is more about the struggle that occurs when two big name things (Arizone and Kamakazes) are forced to share a sweet design (expanding rays of alternating color eminating from a central point). Still, Arizona's flag has got all the ingredients needed for a successful standard. It's representative, unique, and attractive. That's why NAVA's rankings are such a travesty. Take a look at the states that are ranked above it:

Heidi Montag-esque NAVA's #4: Maryland

What the fuck is going on here?! There are some bizarre rotated crosses in quadrants 2 and 4, and some funky bumble-bee-meets-checkered-flag shit going on in quadrants 1 and 3. Vertical stripes broken by diagonal checkering. It's an ugly flag, which might make it somewhat representative, as Maryland is one of the least aesthetically pleasing states around. One thing it has going for it is that it's distinctive as balls (emphasis on "stinc"). This is the kind of flag that can give a person seizures if it flaps in the breeze just right. I've been staring at this thing for hours hoping to see a spaceship, a Baltimore Orioles logo or a still shot from The Wire. There's no way this flag tops Arizona's. Busted colors, complicated design, vaccuous imagery.

"You said keep your eyes out of focus, which is misleading. You want DEEP focus!"

Positively moronic NAVA's #5: Alaska

This looks like something Piper Palin made in her first grade arts and crafts class. Eight gold stars and piece of blue construction paper does not equal the fourth best flag in North America. Yes, the Big Dipper looks sweet when viewed in the sky. Sadly, constellations do not translate well to embroidery. You lose an itsy-bit of the majesty-of-the-incomprehensible-vastness-of-the-universe in translation.


Basically, I feel that Arizona's flag has been shortchanged mightily. I'm not yet willing to give it a permanent ranking, but it's definitely better than Alaska and Maryland. The concrete rankings will come in time, as will analysis of The Universe, which remains strangely flagless. Perhaps we can create a suitable flag for it together. 'Til next time...

Update

I'm sad to say that State Flag Power Rankings has been bested in its quest to create the first ever comprehensive rankings of state flags. Those bastards over at the North American Vexillological Association beat us to it by a mere seven-and-a-half years! For those of you who aren't aware, vexillology is the scientific study of flags and symbolism, and it is NAVA's mission to further vexillology, as well as steal the thunder of us here at State Flag Power Rankings apparently!

Fear not though, loyal readers! State Flag Power Rankings is going to push forward with a new mission to create the best power rankings of state flags. I've got some serious problems with NAVA's rankings, and we're going to do all we can to discredit and embarass them! Stay posted friends...