Borderclash

While walking through Red Square on January 8th, I was struck by something. No, it wasn’t a rock launched by a Palestinian MLB prospect/protestor. Nor was it an Israeli missile aimed at the terrorist no doubt hidden inside my large intestine, using advanced and devious civilian endangering technology. While pretending not to recognize any of my ardently pro-Israel friends, I realized how great the flags of both these “nations” are. As the resident vexillological expert on campus, I began to wonder whether or not this was representative of a greater trend. Do contended borders correlate with better flags? The hypothesis is that a state under great existential threat would be more concerned with national identity, group formation and civic pride. Also, colors. So for our first episode of Battleground Bannerz!, please join me in unpacking the symbolism of the Israeli flag.

Israel’s flag is a piece of beauty. In order to understand the true symbolism of the Israeli flag, I’m going to have to delve into a little bit more of the Jewish traditions. The Israeli flag is at heart a Jewish mandala. In the kabbalic tradition, this flag can be unpacked according to mythic and mysterious practices that our leader proscribes. If I told you how it worked, I’d have to convert you. Although conversion to Judaism is similar to vampiric conversions (eternal life, pasty skin, a proclivity to emit hissing noises, peculiar sleeping patterns, allergies to Christian relics) the main difference is that Jewish conversions are extremely rare. The reason for this is that there are only three members of the Talmudic Council of Conversions and Sports Representation who are able to perform the last rite of passage. Thus, rather than risk incurring their wrath, I’ll leave you with this tantalizing clue to decoding the true meaning of our flag: If you’ve counted 27, you’ve counted too many.
There are many other superstitions about the Jewish flag that gentiles often spread. To help clear up the symbolism of the flag, I’ll try to clear some of them up.

1: The six pointed star represents the clandestine Jewish society comprised of accountants, lawyers, hip-hop entrepreneurs, Hollywood executives, diamond cutters and good, friendly doctors that secretly run the world.

This is true.

2: The six pointed star represents the hereditary ability to unfurl our uniquely circumcised penises during the course of sex.

Of course this is true.

3: The blue stripes represent the walls (visible and not) that prevent aide, economy, water or happiness to enter the Gaza Strip and the West Bank.

Duh.

4: The white background represents the pasty skin color most often associated with Jewish men.

This is resoundingly false. The white background represents the petals from the rare Joshua Tree Rose, a delicacy among northern Hollywood elites and U2 fans.

5: The blue hue represents the color used for tallits and other traditional clothing.

You WISH that was the case.


At the most basic level, the flag is easily recognizable amongst the wash of Pan-Arab flags found in the region.

Not that Israel doesn’t stand out enough, but hey, lest anyone get confused, Israel’s the one without a green/red/black flag. The Magen David at the center was once the crest on David’s shield, which was really unnecessary because David was in fact 7 foot 10 and made out of bullet spitting piranhas with judgmental tones. And immortal. But it now serves as a symbol for Judaism around the world, as well as the centerpiece of this incredible flag. To summarize, the Israeli flag has…
1: Fantastic compositional elements of clarity and succinct, meaningful symbolism.
2: A great color scheme.
3: A hidden message for Jewish Eyes Only regarding the next ordered financial crises.

The Mexico Effect

The Mexican flag has a seal on it, violating NAVA's fourth "rule" of flag design. Typically, this dooms a flag to mediocrity, if not straight-up hideousness. However, the Mexican flag is not typical; it laughs in the face of NAVA's simplistic conventions. If the Mexican flag could talk, here's what it'd say to Wisconsin's flag:

"You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good."

(Taking a break from flag-speak for a brief minute, here is the recipe for a delightful drink called a Will Smiff: 1 part cheap vodka, 3 parts grapefruit juice, 3 parts yellow Gatorade.)

The Mexican flag's seal represents an eagle, holding a serpent in its talon, perched on top of a prickly pear cactus; the cactus is situated on a rock that rises above a lake. The prickly pear cactus alone would be tight, but throw in an eagle, a snake, a rock and a lake?! It's just too good to be true. If there's one flag to check out the next time you're tripping balls on peyote, it's Mexico's. The coat of arms is derived from an Aztec legend that their gods told them to build a city where they spot an eagle and a serpent, which is now Mexico City. Great stuff, almost as good as the whole "world ending in 2012" thing that your crazy aunt is talks about every time your family gets together. The colors of the flag are those of the Mexican liberation army, who freed Mexico from Spain.

Mexico's sick flag seems to be having an effect on it's American neighbors, because California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas are all killing it in the flag department.

















California and Texas don't really show much of a Mexican influence, but they're sweet nonetheless. New Mexico and Arizona's flags appear to be actively beefing with Mexico's, as their use of yellow and red is intended to represent the influence of the Spanish on the Southwest, as opposed to the colors of the Mexican flag, which are those of the Mexican liberation army, who freed Mexico from Spain. Cross-border competition could be what is driving these states to such vexillogical success. Flags are key to delineating boundaries, so naturally they're more important, and hence have more thought put into them, on boundaries as dynamic as the US-Mexican border. The Pennsylvania-Delaware border just doesn't have the same juice for some reason, and it shows in their half-assed flags. Since when did the Twelve-Mile Circle lose its chutzpah? Alas, that's a question for another day. I'll leave you with what is, according to some, the only worthwhile bit of popular culture involving Delaware. I'm on board with that judgment.

Alaska: The OTHER Last Frontier

It's fitting that the drinking gourd is prominently displayed on the flag of a state with twice the average rate of alcohol abuse. But this flag is about more than just drinking away the months of darkness, creating a ghastly yellow cirrhosis induced hue that shimmers off the sickly, frozen, fluorescent lighting.

Alaska, as their own Governor Sarah Palin has recently admitted, is right next doors to Russia. Could it be a coincidence that the big dipper looks an awful lot like a sickle? Would it be heretical to see these eight perfectly aligned stars and be reminded of the totalitarian USSR? The uniformity of these seemingly disparate astral bodies reeks of nationalist reform, and what else would you expect from a state that’s basically Canada?

It's not just rampant Pink Eye that pisses me off about this flag. The most egregious fault I find in this flag is its lack of specificity. If not for this flag, no one in the world would associate the Big Dipper with Alaska. And why should they? The constellation can be seen from almost everywhere in the northern hemisphere. Furthermore, America, Alaska included, has arguably the weakest name for this constellation. How could we compete with “The Starry Plough” or “The Butcher’s Cleaver?”

So why does Alaska have any particular claim to it? I highly doubt that Alaska played any significant part in the Underground Railroad, since the percentage of Alaskans who are black is a whopping 3.7 percent. So what makes anyone look at this flag and think, “ALASKA?” As much as I may loath states that use the standard (non-magikal) seal as a flag, at least they’re identifiable. The only thing that links this flag to Alaska is it’s arbitrary history of being “the state with Ursa Major as its flag.”

NAVA loves this piece of crap. They can't get enough of its simple and unique design. When I look at this flag I feel that Alaskans are demeaning and using a beautiful and communally valued natural wonder for their own, selfish ends. You know what? Never mind. That sounds exactly like Alaska to me.

ALABAMA: We Dare Defend Our Partying Rights

Alabama’s state flag functions as a public service. To any who wonder, “should I go to Alabama?” the answer is clearly labeled in unforgiving, crimson fabric. If you have to question whether or not you want Alabama, then Alabama sure as shit doesn’t want you.

A field of white is broken by the compelling red cross. Are they lines, radiating outwards to the corners, performing a vast diaspora of pigment? No, this is this not an egress, but a return. The eye is drawn to the center of the flag, where an optical illusion occurs. Stare at the flag long enough and you’ll see a smaller, pinkish cross in the middle of the red one. At the central point where they converge is a sharp red square. The Alabama state flag has served a second purpose; a warning.

Years before the cold war the intuitive Alabamans, with the help of their official* state hallucinogenic moonshine, intuited the soviet threat. Hence the sickly, pink cross. Two hundred years before the eventual Borg invasion, the Alabamans divined the occurrence, and attempted to warn the rest of the union through whatever means necessary, including the insertion of an eerie, ghost like cube in the middle of their flag.Needless to say, their message was over looked, thanks to institutions like the accursed NAVA, and their short sighted** Vexillological philosophies.

* Although the nicknameless state has refused to adopt a nickname, they have followed in the footsteps of the pop star and native non-Alabaman Prince in adopting an unpronounceable glyph as the stand in for a functioning nickname. The glyph was also inspired by excessive consumption of moonshine, and it is said that drinking enough of the liquor while saying ALABAMA backwards at a mirror can induce a crimson tide.


** Our arch-nemesis’ fixation on conventional flag formatting led many of their members to myopia, caused by examining individual threads for instances of color bleeding. Perhaps this explains their perplexing inclusion of the District of Columbia’s eerily Mayor McCheese-esque entry into their top ten.

Declaration of Manifesto

We here at State Flag Power Rankings hoist this warning to our accursed nemeses at NAVA: Your days are numbered.

No longer will the vested power in the vexillological societies of America salute to drab, regurgitated ideas of design. The very notion that flag rating can be summarized in their “five easy steps” reduces what is essentially a complex, introspective reflection into a hackneyed seen on T.V. gimmick being hocked by a punk thirty something with bleached hair.

Flags are intrinsic to nation formation, and judging a flag from the dispassionate position of grand arbiter removes it from relevant context. In order to assay a flag, you must get to know the group it represents. Texas’ flag is a kitschy piece of Americana, condensed into a gooey, saccharine, Karo syrup that gags you with patriotic jingoism. Which is to say, Texas’ flag is not only easily identifiable, but also emblematic of the group it represents. Form follows function.

It is with this respect for contextualized analysis that we declare ourselves independent of NAVA. Our splinter group will have a significantly cooler acronym. We’re considering…

The Association for Leadership In Vexillological Excellence: ALIVE

American Flags In Ranked Excellence: AFIRE

Systematically Taxonomizing American Flag Formats: STAFF

Vexillological Inquiries Regarding American Likings: VIRAL

But are leaning towards…

The League of Amazing Vexillological Assayers: LAVA

The LAVA manifesto:

1: The North American Vexillological Association has done a great disservice to the American people, decontextualizing flags and imposing rigid values.

2: LAVA is equipped to usurp the power from the vested establishment of yesterday’s croneyist vexillological politics, and return it to the people.

3: LAVA will, instead of returning said power to the people LITERALLY, just assume that the people would rather we’d hold onto it for now.

4: With said power, LAVA will create a NEW old-boy system of flag rankings, complete with cocaine-laden kickbacks for high-ranking officials.

With this in mind, I will attempt to bring to you a rich analysis of each state’s flag, complete with insight into the state it represents. Over the next few weeks follow me on my journey across this variegated land of disparate, warring feudal states united under one giant flag.

I’m honored to join Ben on this mission, and hope that we can put our past differences aside as we attempt to destroy the established mechanisms of flag rating.

Georgia on my mind

It has been brought to my attention by one Minsoo Kim that Georgia's ranking by bitch-ass NAVA is waaaay off. Georgia came in last in NAVA's survey, and received scathing criticism:

One flag drew far more attention than all others did. NAVA members and the public both gave the new Georgia flag the lowest score—2.4 points—by the largest margin of any flag. Some even asked to give it negative points. They disparaged Georgia’s flag as "a scalawag", "desolating", "simply awful", "hideous", and "by far the ugliest". Its complex design violates all the principles of good flag design, incorporating a seal, lettering, and a series of miniature historic flags (in incorrect order). One person derided it as "Five Flags Under Georgia".

Sure the "new Georgia flag" sucked. Unfortunately for NAVA's rankings, there's a new "new Georgia flag" in town, and it's fairly passable. Check the comparison below, with the much maligned five flag design on the left, and the current flag of Georgia on the right. It's not a great flag by any stretch of the imagination, but it mitigates the damage the state seal does by putting it in a corner and incorporating it into a tried-and-true, red-white-and-blue color scheme, rather than the center of the flag. NAVA's ranks are out of date, and it's up to us here at State Flag Power Rankings (readers included!) to set the record straight.








Down below are two further examples of the terrible effect achieved with central-state-seal (or CSS) Kansas and Montana. Worthless stuff guys. What's with the state names in print on the flag? Are you afraid your residents will forget where they live? I suppose that's a legitimate concern in Kansas, but come on Montana! You're beautiful and you know it! I want to see a big blue sky, and some towering peaks, but what do we get? A little yellow break in the clouds, and some little beige hills. The Big Sky State needs a better flag, and State Flag Power Rankings is calling you out on it. Kansas, you're on watch too, though frankly I don't give a shit what goes on in Kansas, other than the Old Canes. Sorry.

Also, despite my previous tirade against it, Maryland's flag is starting to take over my brain. I can't get it out of my head. The world's first State Flags Follower, Zack Gussin, described its insidious effects well, opining that it becomes "more and more boss the more I think about it." You're right about Maryland's flag being boss Zack, but it still doesn't beat Arizona.

Damn you, Maryland! You put a spell on me!

SFPR Salutes... Pat Burke

In the first installment of "State Flag Power Rankings Salutes..." we're going to salute the greatest Irish-born basketball player of all time, Pat Burke. Not only did the 6'11 Burke average 3.7 points per game (!!!) for he career, he also played the Phoenix Suns, who happen to be based in a state with a kick ass flag. Here's to you Pat Burke!





Leandrinho, you're absolutely priceless in most of these. Keep up the good work and you could get the SFPR Salutes nod some day! Until then you'll have to cling to that NBA 6th Man trophy as a consolation prize.

PS: Thanks once again to Ben Coppersmith. Without you I may have never fallen in love with Pat Burke. Also, Pat Burke's endorsement of Joe Dirt tips our argument about its merits or lack thereof in your favor, Copper. Congrats, and happy Hanukkah.